ABOUT THE HAIR I first discovered this hair in July of 2002, while nude bathing near the Vermont Studio Center in Johnson, Vermont. Several of us were sunning on the smooth, flat rocks that line the Gihon River just upstream from town. Brian was there, and so was Jemima. 
After swimming, I showed them how my fingers had turned white from the cold of the stream. We lay down to dry off. I had my numb fingers laced behind my head, and was enjoying the warmth of the sun on my still drying body when I felt a little tickle on my trunk, just below my armpit. A slight breeze had come up, and to my surprise, I felt the air playing across that particularly sensitive stretch of skin. Lifting my left arm abruptly into the air, I pressed my chin into my chest, craning to see what was going on. The slanting and honeyed sunlight of late afternoon illuminated a single, colorless hair. I reached my right hand across my chest to brush the hair aside, but it didn’t go.
Reexamining, my chin redoubling with the effort, I reached again, this time with the intent to pinch and flick. At the moment I grasped the hair between my thumb and forefinger, a tiny cone rose on the skin below the hair. A tiny, beige volcano with a tiny, triangular shadow. “Why, it’s attached!” I thought, and sat up properly, letting go of the hair. My eyes were leaden and strained from peering so intently and awkwardly down, but I returned my attention to the hair. As I played its flaxen length out between my fingers, I estimated it to be about four inches long. Four inches! This was a monster. I showed it to Brian and Jemima, who were duly impressed. Jemima noted, in hushed reverence, “it’s…albino.”
ROGUE HAIR What is a rogue hair, anyways?∗
As I see it, hair comes in all shapes and sizes, not to mention locations. I learned in 12th grade biology with Mr. Friedlander that the reason that hair is curly or not totally depends on its cross-section. For example, my hair is supercurly. That means if you were to cut a piece and look at the cut end, it would be flat. More like linguini, and less like spaghetti. Mr. Friedlander’s hair, however, would look more like spaghetti. He has really long hair and it’s super straight. Like Asian hair. So that’s hair. Head hair. There’s also facial hair, armpit hair, chest hair, nipple hair, pubic hair, arm hair, leg hair, back hair, ear hair, nose hair, knuckle hair, eyebrow hair, eyelashes and peach fuzz.
All of these kinds of hairs differ in size, shape and color, not to mention location. For example, pubic hair is kinky, and I’m not sure why, but I think this is because each strand varies in thickness along its length. Parts of it are round like spaghetti, and parts are flat, like linguini. It could also be because pubic hair is constantly getting squashed by your body parts and your clothes, so it is always rumpled like your clothes are after you fly on an airplane, but I’m not so sure about that. What I do know is, pubic hair is always kinky. Like nobody has straight pubic hair. Armpit hair is usually bushy, and eyebrows are usually dark. Knuckle hair is always short, while head hair is usually long, and so on. Well, when a hair shows up, but it doesn’t seem to belong to one of the known families of hairs I listed above, or if a hair emerges like totally out of the area its supposed to grow in, then I call it a rogue hair. Check out this dictionary definition of rogue, and you’ll see what I mean. Like a plant that “shows an undesirable variation from a standard”, or “one who is playfully mischevious”, these “unprincipled…vagrants” usually get the tweeze. And I have quite a few, believe it or not. There’s three on my right shoulderblade, and two big ones on my left. There’s one on my collarbone, and a couple of newish ones on my stomach. All of these rogues are dark, if not altogether black. And, they’re always straight. I’ve almost never seen a curly rogue. So even within the category of aberrant hairs, this one (the one you’re bidding on) is super unique. First of all, it’s super long. It is way longer than any other rogue hair I’ve ever found on my body. Secondly, it’s totally transparent! As I mentioned, rogue hairs are almost always black, or at least very, very dark brown. I have never before seen a clear hair of this length on an adult. At least not one of this length and category. Thirdly, this hair is unusually thin. My sister described it as “like, size zero monofilament.” Well, I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Plus, you’re probably wondering,
“WHERE DO I COME IN?”
Here’s Where You Come In. The winner of this auction gets the hair. Fair and square. You bought it, you get to break it. For that matter, you get to tease it, curl it, tint it, glint it, gloss it, floss it, clip it, snip it, pull it or just plain pluck it. What’s more, in the event you decide to harvest it, it is very likely to grow back!!! This means, you get generation after generation of this very unusual and plucky rogue hair. It’s all yours! Forever!!
Forever!!!!!
THE CONTRACT You are bidding on the ownership rights to one rogue hair in its natural and unaltered state on my upper torso. Please see the definition of rogue as it pertains to body hair as outlined above. I would describe the location of this hair as being 7 centimeters across from my left nipple, and 10 centimeters below the center of my left armpit. This location is not expected to change. Although the hair topped out at nearly four (4) inches when first discovered, it is now estimated to be in the neighborhood of just less than two (2) inches in its current iteration. Length varies with time. Be patient. Your claim on this hair grants you all rights and privileges to the grooming, coloration, manipulation and/or periodic removal of this highly collectible hair. Your ownership of this unusual specimen will extend in perpetuity, effectively allowing you full privileges to the hair in the event of my death, or in the unlikely event of yours, the privilege of naming an heir to the hair.
Here’s where I establish more terms of the contract for my own decency and self-respect. The winner of this auction may choose to own the hair undisturbed as it grows in its natural state on my body. If this is the case, I will act dutifully as a responsible caretaker of your property, and upon request, brief you with occasional updates as to its health and condition. If you, the owner, choose to engage with the hair while it is still on my body, I retain the right to choose the circumstances and pursuant remuneration under which you exercise your ownership rights. For example, if you wish to [display the hair at a party or bring it with you], but want it to remain attached to me as a “live” specimen, I will, as host, expect reasonable payment and care in exchange for chaperoning the hair.
FEEDBACK POLICY Please ask any questions and perform your due diligence prior to bidding. Please do not bid satisfaction and fully intend to purchase the auction item. If you win the auction, you are fully obligated to pay in full. I will leave negative feedback for deadbeat bidders. Once the transaction is complete and you are satisfied, you can then leave feedback, too.unless you have done an inspection of the property to your
DISCLAIMERS All properties are sold as-is. Bidders are urged to examine and research the property prior to bidding. All information included in this listing page has come from reliable sources and is accurate to the best of my knowledge. The photographs are not retouched or altered and truthfully represent the item as it is. I make no guarantee expressed or implied as to the location, condition, accessibility, terrain, or buildability of this item. This sale is “as is” and final.
Thanks for looking and good luck!
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